My first memory of wanting something so much that I would work for it at icky jobs like washing the Friday fish fry dishes and cleaning the drains and scrubbing the bathroom was in 3rd grade in the early 60s. I wanted a Tressy doll, one of those Barbie look alikes, but she had dark brown hair that would grow (it unwound from a roll in her tiny abdominal cavity). I did a lot of work, that was when 10 cents was a weekly allowance, to get that doll whose hair unrolled and rerolled successfully maybe 15 times. I didn’t even really like playing with dolls, it was just that everyone else was doing it every recess through the winter months and they had Barbies, I never had a Barbie doll. The phase passed not much after I finally had the money to get her. I put her away in among countless outfits my mom had sewn for her, my mom liked to play with dolls as a kid, and took her out maybe three or four times after that.
What I want now is satisfaction with what I have and I’m willing to work for it, doing dishes, cleaning the drains and scrubbing the bathroom or maybe not. No allowance money, no Barbie look alikes. It’s a little more ephemeral and everybody else isn’t doing it, but some are. There’s a certain balance I’m trying to achieve between doing better and accepting graciously what is here in the present. I started with something basic a little over a year ago, mindful eating…because I’m a dietitian and that goes together with screwed up about food. This time of year the gimme comes out and the teeter totter tips, maybe that’s why New Years is such a time for resolutions.